Bible Tales Not Heard In Sunday School

I
The Rape of Dinah (Genesis 34)

Dinah, comely sister of Jacob’s sons,
Foolishly, wandered a strange neighborhood
Revealing to Prince Shechem, luscious buns,
Accoutrements that turned his dick to wood.

Prince that he was, he had his way with her,
But found himself the ravishee, and yearned
To wed the lovely girl, stem wrath, and stir
Trade with her angry brothers whose blood burned.

Headman Hamor proposed a match; her kin,
(Deceitfully) agreed, but with one catch—
Ev’ry townsman had to lose his foreskin
To meld communities, and deftly patch

The quarrel. Three days hence (those men still sore),
Dinah’s brothers came, violating trust—
Enslaved women, killed, with excessive gore,
The townsmen—all—grim price for Shechem ‘s lust.
(10/21/11)

II
The Golden Calf (Exodus 32)

With Moses gone to chat with god, his folks,
Uncertain, called on Aaron, nervously:
“We must have something powerful!” They coaxed,
‘Til witless Aaron caved, rendered service.

“Bring me all the gold you stole from Egypt!”
This, of course, they did. Melted down, it formed
A golden calf. “There’s god,” the high priest quipped—
They sang and danced, their spirits firmly warmed.

Alas, then Moses came! With flaming wrath
He burned that idol, made them drink the ash
Then called the Levites to his side—“For Yahweh
Kill your brothers, neighbors, friends!” So they slashed—

Three thousand died for dancing. Aaron? He—
The high priest, after all—got off scot-free!
But wait, there’s more (the story’s muddy, vague),
God smote his chosen people with a plague.
(10/24/11)

III
Jephthah’s Daughter (Judges 11)

Jephthah, that bastard son of Gilead,
Tossed out by those half-brothers (vicious mokes!),
Became a ‘mighty warrior.’ Though sad
At loss of family, he did OK—

Captained a bandit band, exploited fate,
Until land-hungry Amorites arrived.
Then, fragile Gileadites gave up hate
And begged him to lead their army, contrive

To thwart thick thugs—for this, they’d make him king!
Jephthah acquiesced, and vowed to Yahweh:
“Grant success, I’ll sacrifice the first thing
To greet my proud return.” And there she was—

Adored virgin daughter, belovéd child,
Rushing to meet him, dancing, joyous, wild.
We never learn her name, we do learn this:
Vows must be kept—he burnt her to a crisp.
Marvin Klotz (10/31/11)

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