Sharply Abridged Due to Limited Space
Adam and Eve Expelled from Paradise
For Discovering Morality.
Cain Bludgeons Sibling
Reducing Human Population to Three:
Motive Unclear.
Noah’s Family and Pets Lone Survivors
As God Drowns Every Land Creature.
Noah Curses Grandson
For Sexual Assault
Giant Construction Project Halted
By Confused Communication
Abram Pimps Wife
To Kings of Egypt And The Philistines
To Protect Visitors,
Lot Offers Virgin Daughters To Rapists
God Rains Flame On Major Cities:
One Family Survives.
Nostalgic Yearning Turns Lot’s Wife
To Salt!
Virgin Daughters Intoxicate Father,
Seduce Him To Insure Family Line
Abraham Disinherits First-Born Son
At Wife’s Request.
God Orders Abraham
To Cut His Son’s Throat
Esau Trades Rich Inheritance
For Lentil Stew And Bread
Blind Father Duped,
Blesses Wrong Son
Bride Price: Seven Years’ Labor
Earns Jacob The Wrong Sister!
Jacob Dupes Employer
Through Genetic Manipulation
Rachel Conceals And Steals Household Gods
By Sitting On Them—
Defilement an Issue?
Prince Shechem’s Betrothal to Dinah Disrupted,
All Newly Circumcised Males
Slaughtered By Simeon And Levi
God Kills Onan
For Performing Coitus Interruptus
Scandal In The Desert: Judah Impregnates
His Twice Widowed Daughter-in-law With Twins
Joseph Thrown In Pit By Envious Brothers,
Left To Die
Joseph Jailed In Egypt
For Alleged Rape
Joseph Uses Famine To Place Egyptian Farm Land
Under Government Control
(6/13/10)
[Holy Moley! That’s just Genesis]