Judith of Bethulia seems disenchanted with her date
Prologue
Forgot to take my novel to the gym—
So, while I pedaled my nine klicks, burnt off
One hundred twenty calories, tacked on
A few more pendulums of life, I leafed
Through an old People Magazine. It damn
Near made my head explode! Maliciously,
I wondered what titillating lore old—
Really old—issues might reveal to us.
In the Garden
People, January 7, 4003 B.C.
[Genesis 4:8—15]
“Eve, our single-named darling gardener,
Sweetheart of the Eden river region,
(Pictured left—before—and right—soon after),
Indulged too often in the starchy stuff
She grew, until her pet serpent—wicked
Smart—proposed a diet of forbidden
Fruit (some say apples, others say bosc pears—
Most likely pomegranates in that heat).
She lost 41 pounds in just one month—
But, we’re sorry to report, there ensued
Tragic consequences (photo below)—
A full, hot report in next month’s issue!”
At the Well
People, May 13, 3014 B.C.
[Genesis 29:9-27]
“Face it, Jacob was horny. His parents,
Sensing an opportunity, sent him
To his Uncle, where young Jake patronized
The hottest meat-market in the village,
Which was, of course, the Well where women brought
Their flocks for watering. There, his cousin
Rachel (photo-right) turned up, and Jacob
(Photo-left) burst into tears at the sight—
Enthralled by love. Blushing, she took him home
(Laban’s abode pictured below). The deal?
Work seven years, and Rachel’s yours—OK?
Enthusiastically, Jacob worked—
But crafty Laban hid cross-eyed Leah
(Photo-left) under the bridal burka.
Jake, pole-axed, howled ‘Why?’ ‘It’s just not right,’ Unc
Explained, ‘for younger sister to marry
First. Hey, work another seven years, I’ll
Throw in Rachel too.’ The outcome? Next month’s
Issue tells all (the Well’s evening crowd—
Sizzling, cocktail-hour-hot—pictured below).”
Bethulia and Holofernes’ Tent
People, June 14, 210 B.C.
[Judith 8:1-15:13]
“Bizarre tales have often graced our mag—None
Weird as what happened last week not far
From Jerusalem in the hilltop town
Bethulia. A coalition led
By Holofernes besieged the place, cut
Food and water for a month. The elders,
In despair, decided to surrender.
That’s when the widow Judith—hottest chick
In fifty miles—stepped up. ‘Give me five days—
Let’s see what I can do.’ Did we mention
She was drop-dead gorgeous? She bathed,
Applied scented oils, dug out her wispy
Harem pants, bagged some kosher food, snuck out
Past Assyrian lines with a maid, found
Holofernes, and devastated him.
He’d never ever seen that kind of beauty.
Long story short—bawdy body language
Snookered him into too much alcohol—
He passed out, she cut off his head (pictured
Below), snuck back to town, dangled it high—
Whereupon the Assyrians bugged out.
Thus, once again, beauty, (though somewhat warped)
Saved the day, the town, all its citizens.
(10/30/09)